You haunt me. You’ve haunted me for the last two years. There’s so much I want to say to you. So much I can’t say, because there will hopefully never come a time when we see each other again. So much I can’t write down, for fear of you using it against me some how. I don’t even know how to approach you, you have such a remarkable talent at making me weak. At turning me against myself.
Last I heard you hated me. But I’m the one who should hate you. You slept with someone else when we first started dating, you were rude and manipulative, you ignored me and mistreated me, constantly talking to other girls and leading me on. You never showed me that you cared, if you ever did. You went away and came back and broke my heart. You ended things and I pretended to agree with you that things had run their course. There was no way in hell I’d let you see how much you hurt me. But hurt me you did, I cried so much I threw up, my friends got worried. And then before I turned 18 you got back in contact. I ignored the little red bubble on Facebook for hours before I had the guts to open it, I was so scared. And then you inched your way back into my life. After all that, after everything you put me through, how do you have the right to hate me and say I never cared? You’re the one that never showed me love, never showed me compassion. After all that, I still came back to you. I loved you so much. But I knew there was no way we could be together. Let’s be honest, when you met me you were talking to your ex about getting back together. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. I wasn’t going to let you discard me again when a new blonde haired girl walked into your life. So I took a chance on someone else, someone kind and charming. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I gave you warning, I told you I’d date other people. And you got angry when it happened to be your friend. I never expected that to happen, I never would’ve seen it coming. I’m sorry for that. But after everything you put me through, it barely matters. Because of that one choice of mine, you decided I was the bad guy, and forgave yourself of any wrong doing. I haven’t.
I need you to understand that you were my worst nightmare and my favourite dream. You were my first love. You were my first everything, and I truly loved you. And I need you to acknowledge that and to accept that it’s the truth. I need that in order to move on properly. To get rid of the ghost of you that hovers over me.
But if I were to speak to you again.. Maybe that would make everything even harder..

I can’t wait for summer!